If you ask a preschooler, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” you’ll probably get an answer like firefighter, doctor, police officer, teacher. At that age, little ones want to be like Mommy or Daddy, or they want to do jobs that they’ve seen “in action,” professions with which they’re vaguely familiar.

A 5-year-old doesn’t give any thought to preparations for that “wannabe” career because at that age, we don’t realize that preparation is necessary before we step into a career. We think that we can just say it and it will be so.

But then we grow up, and we fully understand that education and training are required for any career. We know that to be a teacher, we need at least one college degree, and in the process of earning that degree, we take courses that prepare us for a teaching profession, such as public speaking, psychology, statistics and many, many others. We know that if we want to go into nursing, we must learn to draw blood, give injections, calm fears, not faint at the sight of blood and so forth.

Lately, however, there’s a career with which I’m not at all familiar, and I’ve been trying to determine how someone prepares for this career.

If you’ve watched any TV news you’ve no doubt heard Michael Cohen referred to as “President Trump’s former personal lawyer and fixer.”

I know what a lawyer is, but what’s a fixer? And is that now a legitimate vocation?

Perhaps Cohen earned his undergrad degree in “fixing.” (Was that major offered at Trump University?)

Students studying for a degree in fixing would take such courses as “Stealing Candy from Babies” and “Prevarication With a Smile 101” along with “Major American Fixers” and “History of Fixing in America.” On the required reading list would be “How to Fool Most of the People All of the Time” and “He Didn’t Do It, No Matter What Evidence You Have.”

No doubt, master’s level classes would include “Deny it No Matter What,” “How to Get Away with Anything” and “How to Douse the Flames When the Liar’s Pants are on Fire and the Liar is YOU.”

Appropriate graduation gifts for those who have completed the degree requirements would be dark glasses, Botox injections to keep a permanent smile, checks from untraceable sources, surgery to remove all shreds of decency from the brain, a “get out of jail free” card, and several pairs of fireproof pants.

I wonder what 5-year-old Michael Cohen wanted to be when he grew up?

“Prisoner” or “disgrace to my family” were probably NOT among his answers.

 

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